Starving the Struggle with Scripture
Digging through a collection of socks with tears running down my face, I find my feelings plunge down yet another cavern of failure.
You must have been a terrible mother of infants and toddlers. It’s a miracle your children have survived to be teenagers.
My white chocolate cappuccino had been made and waiting since 6:30. It was now 7:45 and I still hadn’t put the lid on and taken a sip. Over an hour I had been looking for clothes and dressing two adults.
Adults. One of which was me.
Apparently the fire in our outside wood stove never fully took off the night before, so it was a tad cool inside. If I had taken care of the fire instead of letting a teenager do it, then we wouldn’t be starting over when everyone was hurrying to get out the door.
One teenager was hogging all the hot water and bathroom time, the other couldn’t get ready until they came out, and two parents couldn’t get ready to head to the city for a surgery follow up until they got gone.
The house is already a disaster again. We couldn’t have company visit to check on us, bring us a meal, or help out without being humiliated.
I knew ahead of time how much had to be done, prepared, worked out. Why was everything all of the sudden so stressful, too much, falling apart?
I don’t think any amount of preparation can truly prepare you to become solely responsible for everything and everyone when you’re used to sharing that responsibility. Including someone helping to take care of you.
Yesterday the kids thought I was being mean. They thought I was letting their dad suffer. I think they even worked together (which is a huge deal) to gang up on me. A united front informed me that if I wouldn’t load him up and take him to the ER, then they would because no one should ever be in that much pain.
I was already waiting on a call back from the doctor’s office. I absolutely wasn’t being mean or cruel. I couldn’t seem to get through to them that they were going to have to calm down and hang out somewhere else to do homework if this was going to bother them.
Once we managed to get a new pain management plan, I fell apart in private. I fell into bed at eleven. Then I was up at 1:30. Then I was up for good at 5.
It’s fair to say I’m exhausted. So, my emotions are out of control, I’m tired, my routine is anything but routine, and the realization that this is going to be the new norm for a while is starting to overwhelm me.
In picking up my lukewarm caffeine, finally, I felt that was failing at everything. Failing at being a wife, a mother, a teacher, a writer, everything. And then Satan started whispering in my ear that I had always been a failure. Making me wonder how I ever got out the door with two toddlers when I couldn’t even get two adults dressed and out the door. You can’t do this quickly turned to me mentally repeating I can’t do this.
We were headed down the driveway when I called myself on what was happening. I was claiming a word over my life. And that word wasn’t anything I would EVER speak over anyone else’s life or allow them to even say about their own life.
So instead I shifted to “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
Words are powerful. We can speak life or death. We can speak encouragement or discouragement. But not matter what, we speak what’s in our heart.
The only reason I could change the pattern of my thoughts is because I have memorized scripture.
Memorizing scripture seems to be a lost art. However, when I was rushing to find a pair of black socks I didn’t have time to find a Bible and wait for God to guide me to a passage. While fighting to get clothes on someone else I didn’t have any extra hands to pull up YouVersion on my cell phone. But I didn’t need a physical copy of a Bible to remember what God had to say about my fears of inadequacies.
Fear not, for I am with you.
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
I don’t have to be stressed and anxious. I don’t have to be strong enough to do this on my own. I am not alone. God has got this, and more importantly He’s got me.
I know this because I know scripture. What scriptures do you have memorized? In your last emotional meltdown what scripture did the Holy Spirit bring to your mind to calm you down and restore peace in your soul?
If you don’t have any scriptures memorized, I’d love to help you choose on to start! Send me a message privately or leave a comment here and we’ll set up an easy plan to have you at least one treasure hidden in your heart before Christmas 2014.