Relationship Challenged…that’s me!
Relationship challenged…that’s how I’d define myself. Through many circumstances lately I have been hearing God talk to me about relationships. Now, for those of you who know me you’re probably already laughing.
Carrie doesn’t “do” relationships. Therefore, this conversation with God has been (is) very uncomfortable.
It’s not that I don’t like people, I do, it’s just that I seem to have a problem trusting people. And that lack of trust builds huge barriers between myself and others.
My trust issues go way back. I suppose one could say that I have felt betrayed or lied to by every person I’ve ever let get close to me. By the time I was in high school I began the process of cutting people off from my life. The part that hurts the most is that those people didn’t do anything to stop me from cutting them off. They just let me walk away without even seeming to care.
In their defense, I guess they thought there was nothing they could do. In some regards they were probably right, I would have still made the same choices…I just wouldn’t have been alone.
I keep asking God why He chose now to deal with me on this. I don’t deal well with the holiday season. Too many bad memories…too many “parties” where I feel I don’t fit in…too many obligations that I don’t enjoy.
I was struck by a scene in the movie Fireproof (which I HIGHLY recommend to each of you), which Chris and I watched Sunday afternoon. The scene took place around a wooden cross at an old church camp location. One of the main characters made the comment to their father that they couldn’t keep doing nice things for someone when that person kept rejecting them. The father went and leaned on the cross.
Not only do we have to “love” them, we have to keep reaching out to them even when they don’t respond in kind.
That’s hard. I don’t know if I have it in me. I WANT to have meaningful relationships, but I don’t deal well with rejection. I don’t understand why people can’t include me in things, and it’s just easier to separate myself from the situations.
This has been a very personal post today. I want to live my life outloud. My life is not all mountaintop experiences. I’ve also found that I grow the most in the valleys. This is a valley I’ve been camping in for a lot of years. It seems I’ve become “settled” in this valley. God’s calling me out of the valley. I’m a little afraid…I know it won’t be easy…I’m afraid that I will just be hurt more and nothing will really change. I can’t do this, so I’m trusting God to move some mountains and carry me through.