I Feel So Used
I was driving to Fredericktown Wal-Mart by myself tonight. I wasn’t “happy” to be going alone. I turned up 97.7 Joy FM planning to drown myself in worship. I know I was singing along, but something happened on this drive. God showed up.
Many of you know that my spiritual walk has been a bit rollercoaster-ish over the last two years. It all started when I accepted the position of worship leader in our church. Now, I did not exactly “want” this job, but I felt like God wanted me to have it. The position was the most discouraging, upsetting job I have ever had within the church. I won’t go in to how hurt I have felt throughout the process.
Despite the trials that came my way, and some of them were HUGE, I continually felt God saying “You are here at this time for My purpose.” Many times I questioned His sanity.
I also knew without a shadow of a doubt that God told me my time as worship leader, short lived as it was, was over. I am fulfilling the rest of our church year, but as of September 1st we will have a new worship leader.
In the past few months things have been changing. Just this Sunday I learned of some additional changes. Changes that would fulfill my dreams. Changes that I have entirely been left out of. I will have no part of this positive change. Those of you hanging out on FaceBook Sunday night know I was upset.
Tonight while driving to Fredericktown I was listening to God. He asked me, “Why are you angry?”
I don’t know. It hurts. I did what You wanted me to do. It was hard. It hurt more than anything I’ve done before. I felt You promised me that things were going to change. And now they seemingly are. Now that You’ve asked me to remove myself from the situation. I feel like You used me.”
Uh oh! I just accused God of using me. I almost started laughing as soon as the words came out my mouth. “Isn’t that great! I’m accusing You of using me, which is what I asked You to do.”
God used me. And I’m angry? How many times have I reminded myself in the last year that He never said it would be easy? How many times have I quoted Psalm 23? How many times have I felt like a complete and utter failure because I couldn’t accomplish what He wanted me to do?
Unbelievable. He used me to bring about His purpose and that is a good thing.