Chasin’ My Tail: Reflections from 2012



2012 is almost over.

In the words of my children, “And how does that make you feel?” (I’m totally smiling as I type these words. My kids have decided psychiatrists and counselors must have the easiest jobs in the world because all they have to do is sit around and ask people how everything makes them “feel”.)

Honestly?

I’m not sure.

It has definitely been an emotional year for me. I wish I could tell you why. If I could, then perhaps I would understand it better myself.

I spent some time yesterday rereading blogs from my past. I specifically spent quite a bit of time reading from 2008, the year I started this blog, the year with the most posts before this year. I’d like to say I left the experience encourage and uplifted, or maybe even impressed by how much I’ve grown and changed.

It would be a lie, though.

I read from 2008 and thought to myself, I am like a dog chasing my tail. It’s not even like I go through life chasing rabbits. I’m chasing my own darn tail.

Five years later and I’m still fighting the same exact battles. Still carrying the same exact burdens. Still staring at the same exact mountains.

And he said, “Listen, all you of Judah and you inhabitants of Jerusalem, and you, King Jehoshaphat! Thus says the Lord to you: ‘Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 2 Chronicles 20:15

Then all this assembly shall know that the Lord does not save with sword and spear; for the battle is the Lord’s, and He will give you into our hands. 1 Samuel 17:47

Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22

Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

So Jesus said to them,

“Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.” Matthew 17:20-21



So Jesus answered and said to them,

“Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” Matthew 21:21-22


Three things I identified as the same in 2008 and 2012: battles, burdens, & mountains.

Six scriptures I have followed them up with…only six, there are many more, that all say the same thing.

The battles? Aren’t mine. They belong to the Lord.

The burdens? I don’t have to carry. I keep choosing to carry them.

The mountains? Hah! I most definitely don’t have to stare at them. I can move them.

So why?

Why am I chasing my tail? Why I am I reliving my trials? Why do I seemingly keep hurting myself?

But He said to them,

“Why are you fearful, O you of little faith” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was great calm. Matthew 8:26

And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him
“O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:31

Little faith, too much fear and doubt.

I get a little defensive at the first part of that statement. I have faith. I even step out in faith. I believe God will do His part even when it doesn’t make sense to me. So don’t you say I have little faith!

But I can’t look you in the eye and argue the fear. I am a worry-wart. I stress out over everything. I imagine everything that can go wrong and plan for that and worse to happen. I have fear; I won’t lie.

Doubt? I don’t doubt God. Ever. I do doubt people. Every. Day.

People let me down daily. I don’t trust them, I can’t count on them, and truth be told, not only do I doubt them, I am afraid of them. People are mean. Even those who appear nice…especially those who appear nice.

It’s fair to say I’ve done some soul-searching in 2012. I’ve at least acknowledged some demons.

No, I still haven’t faced them. (Remember, I told you I’m still fighting the same battle.)

I’ve let go of some control. I’m entertaining the idea that it may be time to let go of some dreams.

While I never put it into print, my 2012 goal was to find myself. I didn’t quite make it. I still have as many questions as answers, and sometimes it feels like I have more questions than answers.

I’m a hard person to pin down. I don’t hold still for very long. The recommendation has been made that I need to get away from all my distractions (What distractions? Is it snowing at your house too?) and spend as long as it takes totally unplugged (no technology????) with God to come to term with my demons.

The sheer idea of this gives me creepy crawlies. Where would I go? Whatever would I do? (The answer to that question is supposed to be nothing until God and I come to some firm conclusions, but I’m afraid I would go crazy doing nothing!)

The word “sabbatical” comes to my mind when I think of this, and when it sounds spiritual and deep when I use the word in context to others, it sounds horribly uncomfortable when I think of it in context to myself.

I’m not sure that will make it on to the 2013 list of things to do either. But I have to make some kind of change based on this realization that I’m basically running in circles.

Focus of faith-minimize the fear and doubt.

That’s the goal. The steps?

Prayer and read the Word.

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