A Thousand Sleepless Nights
“’Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops, What if Your healing comes through tears, What if a thousand sleepless nights, Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise” Blessings~by Laura Story
Today I’m crabby. Want to know why?
So do I.
I’m so tired of being tired. I go to bed. I seem to sleep for the most part. Lots of crazy dreams. No rest. Is that why I’m crabby?
I woke up this morning with a sinus pressure headache. I tried to tough it out. Bad idea. Finally I took some medicine. Pain seemingly melted away, but still I’m tense, gritting my teeth, and crabby.
I had a great day! How could I have possibly been crabby all day, and why is it rolling over into my weekend?
Perhaps it’s lots of things added together…I’m holding the restless sleep responsible for some of it. Why can’t I sleep soundly? Are my sleepless night God trying to get through to me? I’ve prayed and asked REPEATEDLY over the last three months. Yes, three months. I hope it doesn’t literally take a thousand sleepless nights for me to hear.
So, last night I shared a bit about the worst time I’ve ever had in service to God. But I’m ashamed. Ashamed of how I handled it at the time. Ashamed that I didn’t stand firm in following God’s leading. Ashamed that others watched me fail, and that every once in a while someone brings up how they felt in observing the situation. Ashamed that my “dark time” was lived out in the daylight.
Last night I drove home pondering the fact that God knew what was going to happen before it happened. I don’t believe He caused it, but I do believe He knew previously, during, and after how it all would go. What was the purpose for my pain? I know that even though it felt “bad” to me at the time that God can use that for His glory.
I can talk about it now without sounding resentful and hurt. I can minister to others because of the tears I shed during my own trials. I have empathy. I can look at others doing what God has called them to do and recognize that even if it isn’t what I would do, they are being obedient to the best of their understanding and I need to support that obedience despite my own opinions.
Today I’m frustrated by my feelings, but I know there is a purpose, and if it takes a thousand sleepless nights, well, that’s what it takes.
“11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”