2013 Letting Go

The last day of 2013. This is my reflection day. 

Before even starting this post, I decided I should do some reading from January of this year. Then I thought maybe I should read my reflection post from 2012.

And my reflection so far is that the image in the mirror didn’t change much, but is starting to change.

I did a lot of writing the first four months of 2013. Then May was crazy with the end of school, and then I intentionally took the summer off to work on a novel.

I wrote nothing.

Should’ve kept blogging.

As summer came to a close and school started, I sent the second child to high school and approached my thirty-fifth birthday without reaching the health goal I had set for myself by that point.

Throwing caution to the wind, I decided that I was marking things off my list regardless of that health goal. So, Chris and I celebrated my birthday close to home doing “little” things that meant a lot to me.

Little, like acknowledging the fact that freedom from my fears is only held captive by locks and chains I’ve placed on myself. So, I decided to set myself free.

We concluded the weekend with a stop to a skydiving hangar. Where I faced my fear of heights and tandem jumped. It was amazing!

Nine months into the year, nine months after I penned the words “sabbatical” in my 2012 reflection, I knew what fear I had to free myself from next. It took me another month to convince myself to do it, two more weeks to start the process, and a full month later I let my husband and kids know what I was doing.

Galatians 5 speaks of freedom in Christ. When we accept that freedom we trade the entire law for one command, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 

Somewhere in the middle of my serve (that if you read here I totally resigned from…LIE) I exchanged that freedom for the yoke of slavery. Sure, the slavery looked like good things and it was bathed in Bible study, prayer, and God-oriented activities. However, it had all become about doing what was right, doing what needed to be done, doing, doing, doing…and not about love.

The fruit of the Spirit (v. 22-23)? Yeah, not the words I’d been checking off as I completed tasks. There was no peace. There was, “What’s next?” There was little joy. There was, “This worked. This didn’t. Some responded. None returned.” Faithfulness? Well, if religiously counts as faithfulness, then there was that, but I’m pretty sure it’s an entirely different meaning.

I don’t think I need to continue.

Yesterday and today as I’ve been reading some old posts for the first time in a year, I’ve seen the truth with clear eyes. I should have stepped back from some things long before fall of 2013. 

Until this week I haven’t written about this season of my walk. It’s, perhaps, the most uncomfortable place I’ve been in spiritually in a long time. 

Why perhaps?

Because I’m finally acknowledging that God is leading me and I have no idea where He’s taking me. 

See, that’s how it’s always been, but I’m a bit of a control freak and have held tight to the illusion that I have some control over the who, what, when, where, why and how. 

2014, you ask? My goal? My direction? What’s next?

I have no idea.

I’m following God.





photo credit: Aleksandar Kolov via photopin cc